This has been a year of big exploration. I’ve blocked off old paths that I’ve trodden all my life, done the emotional equivalent of blasting through rockfaces and created new neural pathways.

Thanks to the work in the preceding years, the year started with the realisation that I am stuck at releasing shame and guilt. I was biding my time, walking daily with the Challenger series and earning a couple of medals; learning about the Voices of the Body with the Santa Fe Institute and Unshaming with David Bedrick; Brahma Viharas with James Baraz; learning about vagal regulation, dancing with Sahara Rose and Misty Tripoli; signing up for the Human Garage’s fascial workouts. All of these helped with the initial work of scrubbing away layers of shame for the next stage of work to begin. While being in therapy for dealing with work losses and consequent loss to earnings, changes to plans and reviewing what safety meant to me.

I signed up to facilitate an emotional self-regulation course for the undergrad students at APU, the guiding principle being, to teach what I need to learn. That helped deal with present fears and worries. The thing about 17-year olds, is I was also afforded a trip back to how I thought and behaved at that age, and understand how far I have come.

In the fullness of time, I signed up for the “origins of you” psychodrama workshop with the prolific and powerful Aruna Gopakumar. This turned the first tide: In a powerful courtroom setting where my guilt was tried, I learnt that I am carrying guilt that does not belong to me, and therefore nor does the associated shame. I learnt that my caregivers (as a child) did not have a template for love that transcended duty and human “doings”, and so, while I am relatively more capable of human “being” behaviour by myself, I carry the downloaded guilt of earlier generations. The Tamil woman’s burden of duty, self-sacrifice and compromise for others, it runs deep.

Not any more, I said and went into Madhu Shukla’s “Bridge over waters” workshop. Here, thanks to Madhu’s gently playful but commanding presence, and a little help from her Narrative Practices and creative arts based reflective exercises, I stepped deeper into unshaming, un-guilting and understanding my own original, unfiltered light better. It instigated me to sign up for garba sessions with Masoom Parmar, a new acquaintance from APU. That went swimmingly and gave so much joy (Both in freedom of movement, the mental effort associated with dance, return of calluses in the feet and the primal thrill of being in rhythmic tandem with others, to indicate community and celebration) that I signed up for (but quickly gave up on) Argentine tango classes. Wrong place, wrong time in my life.

In response to an unarticulated need, I signed up for a month of prompted daily journalling, with Meghna Singhee. What a joy that turned out to be, writing three pages everyday, and among other things, having this realisation.

So far, it felt like, at least a couple of shame layers had sloughed off. Continuing to trust the process, I went into sports physiotherapy sessions with Vidhya at Elysiann that started off with the aim of releasing my tight TFL muscles, but ended up doing so so much more good. It loosened up the abdominal fascia. It gave me more chutzpah to draw boundaries and speak my mind politely but firmly.

Then came this gut health workshop offered by my friend Molly, in collaboration with two other experts. I deeply respect Molly’s ability for leaning into instinct and live close to the earth. Also, when she designs something, the rigour and scientific thinking she brings to the process makes the outcome worth experiencing. Who better to trust the process with, I said, and dove in. Unusually for me, I didn’t read up, or look up the others helming the workshop. I carried on till it was time to pack up and go, and off I went, assuming all will be well. And it was.

Five minutes into the workshop, I learnt about a new technique in physiotherapy, as it was being used on me. I learnt how some elements (from recently received perimenopausal medical data) is impacting gut health. Also, that, since there is a relationship between the TFL and the abdominal fascia, the TFL being tight impacts the state of the abdomen. Interestingly, immediately after the 1-1 session, I could feel a loosening somewhere within that’s stayed with me, as I write this. Between the conversations on food, eating heavenly food for all meals, the workouts, the massages, including Molly’s (She who was once about the open a massage business called “Hard Pressed for Money. Tagline: We knead you”) completely magical nerve massage, and breathing in fresh non-city air, I was ready to take on more concepts that I came in with. Such as, extending proprioception to the viscera, consciously regulating the parasympathetic nervous system (What happens in vagus does not stay in vagus).

Finally, I am remembering the amount of intentional deep diving within that went into the year. I started the year with a five word / phrase hope for myself. Because it was on my desk, for me to see everyday as I started my workday and ended it, these seeped from intention, to action and then into chosen behaviours.

Then, with a need for more equanimity in life, I kept note of my emotions for the entire year. I figured this would help because, though I’d often miss entire weeks, I’d certainly remember what went down, and go back and fill it up. Though my bête noirs made more than an occasional appearance, setting the intention to respond to difficult situations with equanimity meant that with my head on the pillow, when I was about to switch off for that day, with just me accountable for myself, without any other people, I was able to let go, was able to move forward, was able to give grace, give gratitude and receive grace.

Goes without saying, this is a practice that continues into the new year.

Another intentional practice was to write myself love notes at the end of every month. I had inspiration and beautiful surfaces for this, thanks to the talented duo of Athreya (who makes these postcards) and Reena (Who uses her amazing technicolour network to get these out into circulation). Somewhere mid-year, I saw someone self talk and say, “baby…” and I went, “Why don’t I do that?” And so, once a month, at least, I use a term of endearment for myself. It gets written down so I can look at it and feel great for months on end.

I am feeling renewed for another season.